


A mismatching matching set

by HoshisamaValmor (HannibalCatharsis)



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Caring, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Self-Hatred, it's not a romantic triangle even though I've tagged Dagger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-26 06:36:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12551364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannibalCatharsis/pseuds/HoshisamaValmor
Summary: Caring so much for someone who doesn't allow himself to be loved causes pain to both of them.





	A mismatching matching set

This had happened before, and yet it was special in its own way.

The show had been a success, like it had the other time this happened. The soft breeze brought some left over warmth from summer, making it a pleasant night, much more so after the straining of the past hours. There was no distant music being carried by the wind this time, but the satisfied chattering of the circus crew served as much.

The feeling of contentment was contageous. Dagger seemed to have been particularly struck by it, leaving him even more hyped than the boy already was. He picked a monocycle, sprinting and swirling around everyone while chanting, making it appear the most effortless thing in the world to do, as if he had been doing it since he was born and not only for a handful of years. Thanks to the prosthetics that granted him two legs like everyone else.

In between her thoughts of Dagger's excitement, she failed to properly register how his swirling had got him right in front of her and suddenly, Beast herself swirled into his arms as the boy flew off the monocycle and pulled her into a dance, no music or melody besides his jolly singing and wide smile.

"Come on, Big Sis! Aren't ya happy? Tis a wonderful night! Look at us! Look at the both of us, dancin' huh? How wonderful is that!"

Dagger didn't mean his words in the usual, helplessly filrty way, but just like Beast herself had been thinking. Moments like this were when their blessings could be counted, when it all felt slightly too good to be real. And the reality of it, of the price for this, was blessfully out of her mind right now.

So they spinned through the courtyard, Dagger improvising a waltz like the fancy nobles from the mansions would, and although slightly embarrassed by the whole thing (dancing wasn't really her strongest suit), Beast did have to admit, the joyfulness of the moment got to her. She turned in a graceful half spin, one hand holding Dagger's to safetly return back in another spin, but her free hand got clasped and rolled to another spin, landing with a different partner than she expected.

"Tis a wonderful night indeed!" Joker agreed loudly, easy big smile on his features. "Ye mind if I steal ye for a dance too?"

"You two..." Beast wheezed, adding a layer of offence to hide how her breathing faltered when she found herself holding Joker's hands and being so close to him.

Joker didn't let her do much else, placing his prosthestic arm firmly on the small of back and before she knew it, Beast flew backwards, shrieking despite herself.

"Joker!" she yelped, knowing he wouldn't let her fall but unable to help but clamp at his arm tightly when the world turned upside down. She could hear both Joker and Dagger laughing at her spectacle, the traitors!, and again she swirled back up and back to steady, firm ground.

She felt Joker's laughter on her chest, their bodies too close from Beast so strongly grasping at him. She let him go as soon as she realized it.

"If ye'd please, my lady?"

"I'm pretty sure ladies don't screech like I did," Beast replied, having to smile at her own silliness. "Nor do they just get swooped back like that!"

"I always get the feelin' they ain't that different from the lot of us," Dagger commented, stretching his arms up and hands on his nape, taking a sneaky step back. "And besides, have ye ever seen any as amazin' as ye?"

She knew she should have said something, or at least acknowledged her discarded partner, but the euphoria of the startle distracted her mind of it and Dagger left them, smiling, but undoubtely a bit saddened at heart.

The two of them waltzed a handful of moments, Beast easing from the straining and embarrassment and letting herself go in the jolly pace Joker guided them to.

"Oh, where'd he go?" he noted, unlike Beast, Dagger's absence. He shrugged it off with a smile. "Well, our dance has been delightful."

"Stop that," she sighed, tapping his shoulder so he'd return to his proper tone rather than that silly nobleish.

He only laughed, brushing some hair strands that were glomping at his forehead under a thin layer of sweat. The make up under his eyes was smudged from the hours of preparations and show, that ever present blue tear falling from black and purple and blending with the skin. It was a unsettling image for Beast. It made him look beautiful, and yet, he looked like he had been crying. All the joy and all the pain entwined in a single image that brought heartache.

"Think we can-" He didn't finish.

Against her better judgment, or any judgment at all, Beast closed the distance between them and kissed him. A soft, warm touch that she didn't want to end, even if just an almost too innocent peck on the lips as it was, but forced herself to step back, dreading to open her eyes and face his reaction.

His eyes widened, everything frozen for one split second in which Beast feared she had crossed the invisible line she'd always been terrified of, the one she shouldn't have. On that moment, her heart ached in antecipation for the worst end of this, a number of reactions that would make her regret having done what she did.

The second passed (or maybe it wasn't a second at all) and Joker smiled. It was her time to widen her eyes, the confusion probably almost funny to anyone that had witnessed the scene (had anyone? but that didn't matter). He wasn't angry. His surprise hadn't been disgust, nor was the smile mockery. And it wasn't sad either. At least not through her stunned eyes.

"Ah, now me lips are all painted."

Beast blinked and choked a giggle when his words made her realize he was right. Her red lipstick had dyed his lips in a clumsy smudge he only made worse by tracing it with a gloved fingertip. Joker pointy tooth peeked mischievously and he bumped her nose with the lipstick, looking much like when they were younger.

It had not been colored lipstick, but rather blood he had on his face then and that she had been trying to wash off. He hadn't said anything, hadn't stopped or threatned or begged her not to approach and leave him be, and the knife he held then had remained shut in his hand without him fully realizing it. She shouldn't have been there, shouldn't have seen it - for both their sakes. But the look on his eyes had been so painful. Because there  _had been_ pain, but most of all, there was exhaustion, and that emptiness. A hollow that would consume him. Beast hadn't managed to stop tears from falling from her own eyes, despite how much she tried to fight them and keep herself unfased, to appear strong for him. He never would have asked it, nor would she, but she knew she had to be strong for him and he needed it. She needed to let him know it was all right, that he wasn't less loved for what he had done. And she had failed. She remembered her hand faltering and his face blurring, the blood trails on his cheek blurring under her stubborn tears, holding herself up with just one cane suddenly even harder than it already was. That had been when the knife dropped, clanking, and he held her hand, as if to stop her from continuing her task, or to help her balance. He touched his own face, the wet blood that she hadn't managed to clean yet, gleaming dark under the quivering light of the fireplace of the wretched man's room. And poked her nose with it. She had been so surprised with it, the last tear trailed under a stunned expression. He tried to make her smile, to stop her from crying even when the both of them were alone and he had just butchered someone.

Which was when, rather than see, she felt his smile now, here, on this pleasant special night, was even sadder than it had always been. She should have known better.

"Joker..."

"Ha ha, sorry. Now we're a mismatchin' matchin' set."

He had said that as well then.

"Joker. Wait," she said, lacing her voice with resolve and holding his hand before he could even think of making an excuse to leave this unanswered. "Please. We are different now. We are all right now, so why-"

She needed to say it twice to realize how utterly wrong the words were. And that, that price that had been far from her mind before, now and finally wrapped and tightened around her. The one Joker could never forget or let go.

She should have known better.

The look of his face expressed exactly that. How it never let him go.

"Joker... I... I know. But I- What I meant wasn't that, was..."

"Ye don't need to be sad 'bout it. I know."

"You know, but you don't know. I lo-"

He bomped her nose again, smiling as if nothing had happened after the moment they stopped dancing.

"What I know is that we need food," he said, doing precisely what she wanted him not to, to run from the pain under his smiles and run from facing her pain. He couldn't face hers any better than he could face his own.

"Why don't you let me help you? Why don't you let someone share your pain, why don't you just let yourself be loved by the people that care for you?"

He looked so pained by the words, precisely the opposite of what she intended, but whatever words or thoughts he was clogging up inside, he didn't manage to force out, didn't let Beast help him, didn't let her close enough to show her feelings. She didn't care what he did or how horrible it was, she  _knew_  it and she loved him.

And he didn't let her. He didn't let anyone close, and he didn't let  _her_ close.

When it seemed he wouldn't answer, leaving this hanging and aching, his smiles not enough to run to, he breathed out, suddenly tired. The smudged make up suddenly aged him, and weighted him with the appearance of tears she mused before.

"I know. And I don't want ye to be sad. I want all of ye to be happy. That's why-"

"I want you to be happy. So we keep mismatching in our matching goals. If you'd-"

She wanted to hold him, hug him close and kiss him, and she knew she had come as close to it as she could have. The moment Joker smiled again, kindly and hurting, she knew he shut himself again.

"Please. Let's go to the folks."

Running and keeping himself away from care because he didn't think he deserved it.

That was what he did, by making everyone smile when he was broken and hurting inside. That was why he always tried to make her smile when she was sad, because it hurt him too much. And what Beast did was try patch him, care for him, because it hurt her too much to see him sad.

Only to make him sad in return, because he couldn't let her close enough to begin with.

Missmatching match indeed.

.

the end

.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was fully and solely inspired by a cosplay skit I found on youtube. JAPANICON 2015: Kuroshitsuji-Book of Circus [Best Group Skit] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRW6_q4CNJQ
> 
> Technically, I've already written a dance scene fanfic years ago, but this also adds one idea I never used.  
> The monocycle thing comes from Dagger's musical actor (I want to see the Circus musical so much!) and the flashback thingy came from the added scene on Book of Circus.  
> It may be painfully obvious that romance is not really my thing at all but well, it took me 65 published fics to do this. (Not even a single kiss. I've had an almost kiss in 2010 and 2 fics under the 'Romance' genre, one involving a suicide and the other involving running and hugging on a beach. lol)
> 
> Guess these two did the trick. Kinda.
> 
> thanks for reading, comments and corrections to english are appreciated. Disclaimer at the end but obviously don't own Kuroshitsuji or characters


End file.
